Y2K, 2012, the zombie apocalypse – there’s always something to be prepared for. When disaster strikes, zombies can feast on brains but the rest of us will still need to eat. Shelf Reliance (har har) offers a year’s supply of its Thrive freeze-dried food line at Costco for the low, low price of $800. (Or, at least, it will certainly seem low in retrospect if Battle: Los Angeles ever happens to get under way for real.) But is surviving the apocalypse really living if your only choices for sustenance are freeze dried sausage crumbles or Soylent Green? Tech site Gizmodo recruited food critic Ryan Sutton for an expert opinion.
“I'll spare you the suspense,” says Gizmodo editor Matt Buchanan, dispensing with theatrics. “If you intend to ride out the apocalypse and plan to do so with Shelf Reliance's fine wares, stick to the fruits, veggies and pancakes. They are good. Basically anything that didn't breathe, bleed or poop once upon a time. Freeze-dried pineapple is awesome, even. The mushy, spongy texture makes it seem like some experimental Asian candy. But stay far away from the meat. It's food science fiction. Gone horribly, horribly wrong.”
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But the story is barely worth its weight without mixed media. Check out the video for Ryan Sutton’s full reactions to the thoughtfully plated survival food, especially to the reconstituted freeze-dried beef – which apparently offers a taste that can only be quelled with bourbon, and his ideas on how a person living in fear of the apocalypse might better spend their money. (Hint: it sure isn’t freeze-dried.)